a meaningful walk

Today I went with a friend to pray over the new 弃婴岛 that I blogged about last week.  It was a really special though personal experience, so I don't have much to say about it.  I would like to share some photos of the gate and the neighborhood surrounding it. Please join me in lifting up the children who will be left in this place.

I really love this neighborhood.  Since the orphanage moved to a new location last winter, I have really missed walking down these streets each Saturday and peeking into the alleyways.

It's a quirky little area with interesting restaurants and people.

This prayer doesn't really seem to apply, but for some reason it kept coming to my mind today.

Oh, Jesus!  Grant that you would be the object of my thoughts and affections.

The subject of my conversations, the end of my actions, the model of my life, my support in death, and my reward.

To know you, Christ.

-Mother Teresa

to be clear

This month marks a year and a half since I moved to China.  18 life-changing months.  18 beautiful, frustrating, exciting, lonely, unique, wonderful, painful, amazing months.  And in 5 more months, I'll be moving back to the United States.

But I want to be clear about something.  As much as I'm looking forward to the next season of my life, leaving China is going to be a huge loss for me. The possibility of never coming back here is heartbreaking.  I haven't been on a "trip" to China for the past year and a half.  I've built a life in China.  I have friends here.  I have a great job.  My students are wonderful. I love teaching ESL, and it's something I absolutely want to continue doing for a very long time. I love living in TJ (most of the time).  Have these months been perfect?  Absolutely not. Has it been an incredibly difficult journey?  Uh, yeah. But that's not why I've decided not to stay after this school year.

So then why?

I miss my family, yes.  I miss my home. I miss my friends and the amazing community of believers I have there.  I miss clean air. But more than that, I miss the students I had in the States. The reality of my situation in China is that I'm spending a vast majority of my time among the privileged, and my heart aches to be among the poor. I miss waking up in the morning and knowing what I was going to do that day mattered.  I know what I'm doing here is significant, but I also know that it's not where I belong - not long-term, anyway.  I need to be in a workplace and in a community that seeks to love the poor.

There's a song by Hillsong called "Hosanna" that says:

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

I have prayed for these things.  When I moved here I asked God to teach me how to love, to put desires in my heart that reflect His.  The longer I've been here, the more He has shown me what moves my heart and what I'm passionate about...but more importantly, what He's passionate about.  And the truth is, if I stayed here there would always be a gaping hole in my life where poor children and unbelieving coworkers should be.

As I've asked Him to break my heart for what breaks His, He has given me such clarity.  Overcrowded, underfunded public schools break my heart.  Kids who were dirty and hungry break my heart.  Kids who constantly have lice break my heart.  Kids who are helping raise their younger siblings because their parents are addicts break my heart. Refugees.  Foster kids.  Homeless men, women, and children. Orphans.  Children who don't know stability break my heart.  And I want to be a part of it.

For he delivers the needy when he calls,
the poor and him who has no helper.
He has pity on the weak and the needy,
and saves the lives of the needy.  Psalm 72:12-13

Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.   Psalm 82:3-4

The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. Psalm 103:6

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,
who made heaven and earth
the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
who executes justice for the oppressed,
who gives food to the hungry.
The Lord sets the prisoners free...  Psalm 146:5-7

She opens her hand to the poor

and reaches out her hand to the needy.  Proverbs 31:20

I have loved this beautiful season in my life, but I know it's only meant to be a short one.

Someone asked me, "But I thought you were called to Asia?" I struggled with this for a while.  Some days I still do.  Am I just being a quitter?  Am I running away because it's hard?  (And believe me, it IS hard.) But then if I stayed, would I only be staying BECAUSE it's hard?  Would I be trying to prove something?  A friend reminded me that God doesn't need me to save this country.  He's already doing that.  He, because of His goodness, has allowed me to be part of the work He is doing for a short time...and I am so thankful.  He has used this time to open my eyes to so many things, to refine my faith, to help me face the sinfulness of my heart and my need for a Savior, to give me perspective, and to help me see His Son in different ways than I could have in the States.

"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you

 are.  But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn't call you 

there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and 

superficial peace."  -Francis Chan

We're called to die to ourselves and run after Jesus.  We're called to love people.  We're called to serve.  We're called to be faithful whether we're in Asia or the Middle East or the midwest...the biggest cities, or the most remote villages.  Sometimes calling has little to do with geography.

So, there it is. Please be praying for me over the coming months.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I don't know where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do after I leave.  I don't know what it will look like to readjust to life in the States.  I don't know how I will fit back into my church community.  I'm going to pay my mortgage somehow, I hope, but besides that I don't really have a plan.  But that's okay, because I know my God does.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie Ten Boom

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Oceans by Hillsong

abandoned island

My heart is heavy.  I have been trying to wrap my mind around this since I heard about it yesterday.  Then I found this link today:

http://slide.tj.sina.com.cn/news/slide_48_43040_201913.html#p=7

This is the orphanage where I volunteer.  Well, the old facility.  They moved most of the kids to a new campus about a year ago.  Now they have turned the old guard building into a place to leave babies anonymously.  A place to abandon precious children.  A place to discard real human beings with real souls and real futures.

 The browser I use translated one of the Chinese captions on that site as:  "Tianjin "abandoned island" is enabled to receive the first baby girl."

Abandoned island. The words make me cringe. In Chinese, the name is actually 弃婴岛.  弃 "qi" means to abandon, discard, throw away, or relinquish, 婴 "ying" means infant or baby, and 岛 "dao" means island.

It breaks my heart that there is even a need for a place like this.  We truly live in a broken world. I was told that within the first week the shelter was open, five children were dropped off.  That's almost one a day.  That's five mothers who had to make the decision to abandon their children. Five women who are now walking around this city with a huge secret and the weight of the world on their shoulders.  Five mothers who, thankfully, loved their children enough to leave them in a warm, safe place rather than the many horrible alternatives.  Five children who need to be given a chance.  Five families that need Hope.

I don't know how to process this, so for now I'm just praying.  I'm praying for a heart of understanding.  I'm praying that the people who leave their children in this place, or in any place, will find Hope.  I'm praying that the Father will lead them to himself... that this will be made known to them and to their children: "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba!  Father!'"

slide.tj.sina.com.cn

ah, jet lag

The point of this post is basically just to express that jet lag is the absolute WORST.  Also, I want to take a nap but I know that's a terrible idea, and I can't sleep and type at the same time, so here we go.

For those of you who have never traveled internationally, let me walk you through a day following an international flight.

14+ hours on the plane - you try to calculate exactly how many hours you should sleep to avoid jet lag, how many muscle relaxers/Tylenol PM/Airborne/vitamins you should take, and how much water you can drink without having to climb over your aisle-mates every hour on the hour. you hear ever cough/sniffle/sneeze within a fifty seat radius and wonder if it's possible to overdose on Airborne.  watch the first half of seven different movies, falling asleep before actually finishing any of them.  around hour 8 make the mistake of checking the "flight status" screen and realize you're just over halfway there...this flight is never going to end.  eventually you land and try to stuff your double-their-normal-size swollen feet back into your shoes.  stumble sleepily through customs on your noodley legs, wrestle your 50.5lb suitcase off the conveyor belt, and buy a ticket for the shuttle home.  2 1/2 more hours of sitting on the bus, not that you'll remember any of it.  you'll be comatose before you leave the parking lot. arrive at the bus station and pay 5 times what you know is a reasonable taxi fare because you're just. ready. to. be. home.

9:00pm - collapse onto your bed, praying jet lag will pass you over just this once.

1:30am - wide awake, willing yourself to go back to sleep

2:30am - check email, Facebook, Instagram.  text a friend who's either a)in the US or b)also jet lagging

3:00am - get a snack

3:30am - pray for mercy -- just a few more hours of sleep.  take another Tylenol PM

4:00am - finally doze off

6:00am - alarm goes off - straight to the kitchen for some coffee.

10:00am - more coffee

12:00pm - feeling good

12:05pm - burst into tears for no apparent reason

2:00pm - start to hit a wall... a nap sounds really great right about now.

4:00pm - a nap?  NO!

5:00pm - watching the clock...waiting for a reasonable bedtime to roll around

6:00pm - can I go to bed yet???  maybe coffee will help.

7:00pm - try to justify going to bed...decide you can make it one more hour

8:00pm - unconscious on the couch

1:30am - wide awake

...and so it continues...

ECC Walk Through Bethlehem

Here are some pictures from this week's Christmas Celebration - A Walk Through Bethlehem. My class dressed as wise men and they were the CUTEST little magi EVER!  They did a great job performing their song (Little Drummer Boy), too!

Rehearsal

 Ready for the big performance!

These photos were taken during the Walk Through Bethlehem.  It was such a whirlwind! Our task was to wrap gifts for the newborn King.  The other stations were set up like a stable with Mary, Joseph, baby J., shepherds, and sheep.  There were "villagers" passing out snacks and "Christmas stars" singing and dancing.  The art teacher even dressed as a villager and set up a pottery station.  It was an exciting time!  After the Walk Through Bethlehem was over, we made our way to the auditorium to perform our songs.

They were so adorable! The parents had a great time, and it was so beautiful to hear the kids sing about the love of the Father and the miraculous birth of the Son. There's something so wonderful about hearing the Truth of Christmas from the mouths of children. 

All four classes performing together

This isn't the best picture, but my kids wrapped these presents during the "Walk Through Bethlehem" and then laid them in front of the manger before we went on stage.  Precious.

Hopefully I'll get ahold of some more pictures of my class singing and playing their coffee can drums.  It was such a crazy night I didn't get a single picture of them singing.  Thankfully I happened to remember to grab my camera during a few of the other performances.

The next display of kindergarten cuteness will be at Kindergarten graduation in the spring.  Stay tuned for more adorable pictures. :)

those eyes...

I took this photo as I was leaving the orphanage on Saturday.

These faces are so precious to me, but the saddness in their eyes break my heart.
This is their reality. 

I look at this picture and I think of Psalm 88:9.
My eye grows dim through sorrow.  Every day I call upon you, O Lord; I spread out my hands to you.

The NLT puts it this way: 

Each day I beg for your help, O Lord; I lift my hands to you for mercy.

I pray that someday they will know His mercy, love, comfort, and healing...

...For in You the orphan finds mercy.
Hosea 14:3

Waiting

"Wait"... one of my least favorite words in the English language.  Ironically, it's one of the first Chinese words I learned. 

I'm incredibly thankful for where I am in life - for the rich experiences I'm having, the amazing friends and family who support me, and a career that is so perfect for me.  I have been blessed beyond measure. At the same time, there's a small part of me that often feels like I'm trapped in this perpetual state of waiting.  I see many of my friends getting married and having children...and having more children, and though I genuinely, joyfully celebrate with them, I can't ignore the sting deep within my soul.  Well-meaning people say, "Hang in there."  And hang I continue to do.  But sometimes the hanging is just too much -- too exhausting -- and I want to rest my weary grip for a while.  

I'm convinced that waiting is one of the most trying things in life.  It's also something that can so easily cause us to turn inward and lose sight of the big picture...to lose sight of the hurting, waiting people around us.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope. 

Psalm 130:5

I've been learning something lately.  I'm not the only person in the world waiting for something, and contrary to what I might like to think, it's not all about me. I know...shocking.

God has been so gracious to me.  He's opened my eyes to a different kind of waiting, and He's given me beautiful moments of taking my eyes off of my own waiting, uncertainty, disappointments, and fears. He's shown me the aching of others' hearts, and he's put me in a position to love them in the midst of it.

The amazing thing is I feel like I've finally given myself permission to stop "hanging in there," to let go of my death grip on the future I wanted and planned for myself, and to deeply love others during a time when I am also in a state of waiting and uncertainty, just like them.  And you know what?  I'm in really good company.

There are children who have been waiting for years for even one person to love them...one person to fight for them...one person to want them.  They wait day after day, year after year, often in a crib by themselves.  Lord, comfort their hearts as they wait. It's a suffering so profound...so deep.  And for some, there's no end in sight. I'm so grateful that God has helped me take my eyes off of myself long enough to see the needs of these sweet children.  They have changed my perspective in more ways than they will ever know.

Within the past several weeks, I've been introduced to another kind of waiting.  I've been in contact with some amazing families who are waiting to bring their children home from the orphanage in Tianjin and others in China.  Their wait is like nothing I've ever experienced. They have fallen in love with these child that they have never met.  Sometimes they go months at a time without any sort of update, and all the time they are wondering if their child is safe, warm, fed, healthy, and cared for. I have been so humbled by the opportunity to comfort a few of these parents, if only by loving their children while they wait. When I moved to China I never expected to be in this position, but the Lord has graciously allowed me to be a bridge between these parents and their children. What a precious gift those emails are.  

I would love to be a mommy to these kids.  I'm waiting until I can finally call one of them...or several of them... my own.  BUT, in the meantime, my heavenly Father who loves me and knows my heart-- who created my heart-- has given me the privilege of helping and loving others as they wait. 

photo not mine

I'm so unbelievably grateful that God is teaching me how to love better.  Each time I pray over these babies, I see the heart of God more clearly.  With every email to a waiting parent, I understand God's love for me a little more.  And at the end of the day, I know Him better.  

I just finished rereading a book titled Radical.  This quote often comes to mind:
"But the gift of grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires.  New longings.  For the first time, we want God. We see our need for him, and we love him. We seek after him, and we find him, and we discover that he is indeed the great reward of our salvation. We realize that we are not saved just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God.  So we yearn for him.  We want him so much that we abandon everything else to experience him.  This is the only proper response to the revelation of God in the gospel." 

So, as we wait, wait with the knowledge that God himself is, indeed, our reward and the hope of our salvation.