But I want to be clear about something. As much as I'm looking forward to the next season of my life, leaving China is going to be a huge loss for me. The possibility of never coming back here is heartbreaking. I haven't been on a "trip" to China for the past year and a half. I've built a life in China. I have friends here. I have a great job. My students are wonderful. I love teaching ESL, and it's something I absolutely want to continue doing for a very long time. I love living in TJ (most of the time). Have these months been perfect? Absolutely not. Has it been an incredibly difficult journey? Uh, yeah. But that's not why I've decided not to stay after this school year.
So then why?
I miss my family, yes. I miss my home. I miss my friends and the amazing community of believers I have there. I miss clean air. But more than that, I miss the students I had in the States. The reality of my situation in China is that I'm spending a vast majority of my time among the privileged, and my heart aches to be among the poor. I miss waking up in the morning and knowing what I was going to do that day mattered. I know what I'm doing here is significant, but I also know that it's not where I belong - not long-term, anyway. I need to be in a workplace and in a community that seeks to love the poor.
There's a song by Hillsong called "Hosanna" that says:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
I have prayed for these things. When I moved here I asked God to teach me how to love, to put desires in my heart that reflect His. The longer I've been here, the more He has shown me what moves my heart and what I'm passionate about...but more importantly, what He's passionate about. And the truth is, if I stayed here there would always be a gaping hole in my life where poor children and unbelieving coworkers should be.
As I've asked Him to break my heart for what breaks His, He has given me such clarity. Overcrowded, underfunded public schools break my heart. Kids who were dirty and hungry break my heart. Kids who constantly have lice break my heart. Kids who are helping raise their younger siblings because their parents are addicts break my heart. Refugees. Foster kids. Homeless men, women, and children. Orphans. Children who don't know stability break my heart. And I want to be a part of it.
For he delivers the needy when he calls,
the poor and him who has no helper.
He has pity on the weak and the needy,
and saves the lives of the needy. Psalm 72:12-13
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Psalm 82:3-4
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. Psalm 103:6
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,
who made heaven and earth
the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
who executes justice for the oppressed,
who gives food to the hungry.
The Lord sets the prisoners free... Psalm 146:5-7
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hand to the needy. Proverbs 31:20
I have loved this beautiful season in my life, but I know it's only meant to be a short one.
Someone asked me, "But I thought you were called to Asia?" I struggled with this for a while. Some days I still do. Am I just being a quitter? Am I running away because it's hard? (And believe me, it IS hard.) But then if I stayed, would I only be staying BECAUSE it's hard? Would I be trying to prove something? A friend reminded me that God doesn't need me to save this country. He's already doing that. He, because of His goodness, has allowed me to be part of the work He is doing for a short time...and I am so thankful. He has used this time to open my eyes to so many things, to refine my faith, to help me face the sinfulness of my heart and my need for a Savior, to give me perspective, and to help me see His Son in different ways than I could have in the States.
"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you
are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn't call you
there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and
superficial peace." -Francis Chan
We're called to die to ourselves and run after Jesus. We're called to love people. We're called to serve. We're called to be faithful whether we're in Asia or the Middle East or the midwest...the biggest cities, or the most remote villages. Sometimes calling has little to do with geography.
So, there it is. Please be praying for me over the coming months. I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't know where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do after I leave. I don't know what it will look like to readjust to life in the States. I don't know how I will fit back into my church community. I'm going to pay my mortgage somehow, I hope, but besides that I don't really have a plan. But that's okay, because I know my God does.
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie Ten Boom
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Oceans by Hillsong
--Corrie Ten Boom
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Oceans by Hillsong
No comments:
Post a Comment