Do something

I got up early Saturday to go to the orphanage.  It was the first time I've gone by myself, so I left extra early in case (ok, let's be honest....it was pretty much a given) I got lost.  I walked to the bus stop and waited FOREVER for the #12 bus.  I hopped on and found the only open seat...in the back corner.  As more and more people started to crowd onto the bus, I began to realize that I would 1)suffocate in the back, 2)be stuck back there all day, and 3)miss my stop.  Plus there are more people in the front to try to talk to.  I waited until someone got off and I made my way toward the front.

I got to the front and found a seat.  A few stops later an older lady got onto the bus so I gave her my seat.  That's what I've seen Chinese people do, and I love that they value older people so  much.  She was sweet and very appreciative.  Now that I was standing smooshed in between a bunch of people who speak Chinese, I figured it would be a good time to practice the little bit of language I have.  I love learning Chinese but it's coming so slowly because I don't get to use it often and I don't have much time to spend studying.  I try to take advantage of opportunities where I can use what I know and learn new things.  The bus is a great place to do that so I talked to them a little bit, mostly telling them that I'm an American, I only understand a little bit of Chinese, and I can't read.  A teacher who is mostly mute and illiterate.  Haha...talk about humbling.  I feel like the collective Chinese people really took care of me during the bus ride to the orphanage.  I told the man standing next to me where I needed to get off and he helped me figure out how many more stops until then.  When the older lady I had given my seat to needed to exit the bus, she insisted that I sit back down. As we got closer to my stop I kept trying to get up to move toward the door but the man standing near me kept making me sit back down because we weren't at my stop yet.  I finally got off the bus and made my way toward the orphanage. 

I only got a little bit lost on the way there, so between traffic on the bus and a wrong turn I was about 20 minutes late.  I hated being late because my time there is already so limited.  The doctor at the orphanage did a "physical exam" which consisted of me showing her my hands and sticking out my tongue.  It didn't seem like a very thorough exam, but I'm not complaining.  Once I was cleared to go upstairs I went into the room I've been in before.  My babies were all there - ShenShen, WeiWei, DouDou, and Ror.  There are several other babies in that room, too, and I'm getting to know them as well.  DouDou called me "mama," which I'm sure they've taught him to call all older women, but I about lost it.  I easily could have come packed him up and brought him home.  ShenShen is the baby I fell in love with who has a serious heart condition.  Her breathing was a little more labored this time than when I saw her 2 weeks ago.  Although she seemed incredibly weak, there were a few moments when she smiled and acted silly.  She's just so beautiful.  I held her and rocked her for a while.  I sang some kids' songs, Hymns, and David Crowder... I think I'm so drawn to her because the rest of the babies have disabilities that they will have forever, and while they are all pretty thin, they are fairly healthy.  ShenShen, on the other hand, is really sick.  I can't imagine being so sick and being alone.  Thinking back to times I was sick as a child (and even as an adult), all I remember is wanting to have my parents close by.  As I was rocking her frail little body, I couldn't help but be sad that her parents gave up the opportunity to love her through her illness. I can't bear the thought of her being so sick and being in a bed alone all day.  I was also reminded of my dad during his last days.  Our house was flooded with people who loved him and wanted to be there so he wouldn't be alone, people who walked into a painful situation to be by his side or even just be in the other room.  It meant so much to me, and even though he couldn't express it I'm sure it meant so much to my dad.  The same way he had to work so hard to breathe at the end of his life, ShenShen is working just as hard, only she doesn't have much of a support system.  She has ayis who are there taking care of her, but they have 11 other babies who need them, too.  There is nowhere else I would have rather been on Saturday morning, but my heart felt so heavy...like, what else can I do for this little girl?  There must be something else I can do.  In that moment, I felt completely powerless, but I was reminded that He is so Powerful. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory ...  throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Ephesians 3:20-21

DouDou and WeiWei can walk, so we got them out of their beds and let them run around the room.  They followed me around and I played with them while I was holding the other babies.  It was fun to see them being boys, running around and getting into mischief. There are two boys with Cerebral Palsy who are super smiley and so cute.  I held them both for a while and sang to them.  (They didn't seem to mind my terrible singing voice.)  Even though Ror can crawl the ayis kept him in his bed, so SheShen and I sat by his crib and told him the story of the 3 Little Pigs.  I'm sure he didn't understand a word but he thought it was hilarious.  For the last few minutes I held WeiWei, who is the oldest and kind of a favorite in the orphanage.  We played "Ride a horsey, ride to town, ride a horsey, don't fall down!"  He LOVED it.  He laughed and laughed.  Then I rocked him for a while and taught him to say "eyes" and "nose."  Every time I tried to put him down he would say "baobao!" which (I think) means "hold me!"  So of course I picked him back up and played some more.  Eventually 11am rolled around and that's their nap time, so I had to leave.  When I put WeiWei back in his crib he cried and clung onto me.  It took everything in me to not cry with him.  I took his shoes off and said goodbye to the ayis and other babies while WeiWei screamed.  I said goodbye to ShenShen and prayed she will still be there when I go back.  As I traveled home I asked God to help me understand my role in these babies' lives.  There are so many of them, and I want so desperately for them to all feel loved and know His love.  It's an overwhelming feeling.  There is still so much about this I'm struggling to understand, but here are some things I've read since Saturday that have given me a little perspective.  I've shared some of them before, but they are worth sharing again.

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. -Galatians 6:9-10

Carry each other’s burdens... - Galatians 6:2

Do for one what you wish you could do or everyone. -Andy Stanley

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything; but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. -Edward Everett Hale

So here's where I am today:  I can't make ShenShen healthy, but I will ask the great Healer to heal her.  I can't spend every day with her (as much as I would love to), but I will love her well during the precious moments I get to spend with her.  I can't be her mom (at least not right now), but I will pray that someone will be. I don't understand what would cause someone to abandon a sick child, but I will pray for understanding and compassion.  I can't do everything, but I can do something.