"Wait"... one of my least favorite words in the English language. Ironically, it's one of the first Chinese words I learned.
I'm incredibly thankful for where I am in life - for the rich experiences I'm having, the amazing friends and family who support me, and a career that is so perfect for me. I have been blessed beyond measure. At the same time, there's a small part of me that often feels like I'm trapped in this perpetual state of waiting. I see many of my friends getting married and having children...and having more children, and though I genuinely, joyfully celebrate with them, I can't ignore the sting deep within my soul. Well-meaning people say, "Hang in there." And hang I continue to do. But sometimes the hanging is just too much -- too exhausting -- and I want to rest my weary grip for a while.
I'm convinced that waiting is one of the most trying things in life. It's also something that can so easily cause us to turn inward and lose sight of the big picture...to lose sight of the hurting, waiting people around us.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:5
I've been learning something lately. I'm not the only person in the world waiting for something, and contrary to what I might like to think, it's not all about me. I know...shocking.
God has been so gracious to me. He's opened my eyes to a different kind of waiting, and He's given me beautiful moments of taking my eyes off of my own waiting, uncertainty, disappointments, and fears. He's shown me the aching of others' hearts, and he's put me in a position to love them in the midst of it.
The amazing thing is I feel like I've finally given myself permission to stop "
hanging in there," to let go of my death grip on the future I wanted and planned for myself, and to deeply love others during a time when I am also in a state of waiting and uncertainty, just like them. And you know what? I'm in really good company.
There are children who have been waiting for years for even one person to love them...one person to fight for them...one person to want them. They wait day after day, year after year, often in a crib by themselves.
Lord, comfort their hearts as they wait. It's a suffering so profound...so deep. And for some, there's no end in sight. I'm so grateful that God has helped me take my eyes off of myself long enough to see the needs of these sweet children. They have changed my perspective in more ways than they will ever know.
Within the past several weeks, I've been introduced to another kind of waiting. I've been in contact with some amazing families who are waiting to bring their children home from the orphanage in Tianjin and others in China. Their wait is like nothing I've ever experienced. They have fallen in love with these child that they have never met. Sometimes they go months at a time without any sort of update, and all the time they are wondering if their child is safe, warm, fed, healthy, and cared for. I have been so humbled by the opportunity to comfort a few of these parents, if only by loving their children while they wait. When I moved to China I never expected to be in this position, but the Lord has graciously allowed me to be a bridge between these parents and their children. What a precious gift those emails are.
I would love to be a mommy to these kids. I'm waiting until I can finally call one of them...or several of them... my own. BUT, in the meantime, my heavenly Father who loves me and knows my heart-- who created my heart-- has given me the privilege of helping and loving others as they wait.
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| photo not mine |
I'm so unbelievably grateful that God is teaching me how to love better. Each time I pray over these babies, I see the heart of God more clearly. With every email to a waiting parent, I understand God's love for me a little more. And at the end of the day, I know Him better.
I just finished rereading a book titled Radical. This quote often comes to mind:
"But the gift of grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires. New longings. For the first time, we want God. We see our need for him, and we love him. We seek after him, and we find him, and we discover that he is indeed the great reward of our salvation. We realize that we are not saved just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God. So we yearn for him. We want him so much that we abandon everything else to experience him. This is the only proper response to the revelation of God in the gospel."
So, as we wait, wait with the knowledge that God himself is, indeed, our reward and the hope of our salvation.
I pray that someday they will know His mercy, love, comfort, and healing...
